The beauty and sorrow of transgender women

From Lianhe Zabao
Text by Tan Ying Hong, Photos by Long Kwok Hong
March 8, 2020, 3am

English translation by Ching Sia, Josh Ip & Dan Ho

Today is International Women’s Day. It is to commemorate the feminist movement, and celebrate the political, economic and social contributions and achievements of women. For many years, the media has related the stories of various successful women. This year, Lianhe Zaobao Weekly is putting the focus on a minority group within women – transwomen – to celebrate their growth, and their contributions to the family, to society and to our economy.

Transgender is a collective term for those whose gender identity or gender expression does not match their gender at birth. Gender identity refers to a person’s psychological conception of identifying one’s self as male, female or other genders. For example, someone biologically male who psychologically identifies as female.

On May 25 last year, as part of the 11th revision of the International Classification of Diseases, the World Health Organisation (WHO) removed “gender identity disorders” from the classification of mental disorders, renamed them “gender dysphoria”, and reclassified them as “sexual health-related conditions”. According to the United Nations News, the WHO Department of Reproductive Health and Research coordinator Lale Say explained that “gender inconsistency” refers to a difference in an individual’s psychological perception of gender and their biological gender. It was removed from the classification of mental disorders because the WHO “now has a clearer understanding of this condition, comprehends that it is not actually a mental health issue, and believes that continuing to classify it as a mental disorder will lead to this community being stigmatised.”

The three transgender women interviewed are a single mother, a documentary director, and a business influencer. They were all once male in body, but female at heart. From their sex change to the various waves of turmoil they experienced in life, the journey has been especially difficult, but they have tried to prove to the world in their respective occupations that not all transgender people must sell their bodies for a living – just like other groups in society, they can also make something of themselves.

Single mother Fanny Ler had support from mother and daughter through her transition

“What people don’t understand is – those transgender people in Changi or wherever – some of them are desperate. A large number of them argued with their families, and were rendered homeless after being kicked out. With no work, and the need to save money for their surgeries – thus they turn to being sex workers.” ~Fanny Ler

2pm on a Saturday afternoon is the right time for a nap. Even if the afternoon sun shines high, the cool breeze on the ground floor beneath the HDB flats is so comfortable. I was early, so I waited downstairs. Fanny Ler (46) and her daughter Evelyn Ler (22) walked home fter lunch – Evelyn in front, Fanny pushing a shopping cart filled with daily necessities behind. While taking the elevator with me, they were both very quiet. I took the initiative to chat with Evelyn about the tattoo on her right arm – only then did the atmosphere begin to come slightly more alive.

Their 3-room HDB was neatly kept, with Christian paraphernalia by the main door. The living room is surrounded by light purple walls, the ceiling the color of the blue sky, and with the light pink curtains swaying in the wind, the whole atmosphere is one for relaxation. Hanging on the wall is an equally pink clock and a flag. The flag consists of five parallel stripes – the outermost are two in light blue, the inner two are pink, and the centre is a white line. Evelyn told me it was the transgender banner.

Fanny is Evelyn's mother, but she was once “dad”.

Fanny enjoyed female dress since young, but always thought it was a perversion, and buried it deep in her heart, living “the life a man should live”, including military service, marriage and having children.

After divorce, a second life

After seven years, Fanny and her wife divorced over personality issues. She successfully obtained custody of her daughter, and became a single parent, living with her mother and daughter, working hard to make money to support the family.

After three years, when the lives of the three were back on track, Fanny finally had some time to breathe and consider his life direction. At this point, his “hobby” since young resurfaced again. She went online to find answers, and tried to answer the question in her heart for so many years: Why did she love female dress so much when she was clearly male?

She discovered she was not alone, and that there was a community of people like her on this little red dot similarly struggling with gender dysphoria. Some of them chose to go through with surgery, and become trans women. She considered for half a year, and decided to risk it – “Divorce gave me the chance to choose a second life. I decided to walk my own path, not the path that other people believed that I should walk.”

However, before that, she had to seek her daughter’s approval. If her daughter was unwilling to see her transition, then, she was willing to “carry the secret to her grave.”

Evelyn, who was only 10 years old back then, gave every care to express her support. She said, “Whether as father or mother, [Fanny] has always been taking care of me. For example – normally it’s the father that gives the pocket money, and the mother that is more loving to the child. So for me, when she gives me pocket money she’s my father, and when she keeps me company she’s my mother.”

With her daughter’s support, Fanny could finally make the first step towards transitioning. However, she immediately encountered her next challenge – work.

Support from undertaker boss to undergo surgery

When Fanny passed the assessment letter from the psychologist to her supervisor, although the latter did not reject her decision to undergo a sex change to her face, but they demanded that she first see through her remaining contract of more than a year before going to work in female dress. Fanny had no choice but to resign. Luckily for her, she found employment shortly after, working in administrative positions first in a construction company, then for a casket company.

“At that time, I hadn’t undergone gender reassignment surgery, and the gender on my IC was still “M”, but I was already dressing as a female. The bosses were willing to hire me because I could meet the requirements of the job. To me, the fact that they were willing to hire me was already an act of grace, so I showed a lot of initiative. Wherever they needed spare hands at work, I was there, and if they needed people on the weekends, I would go back to the office.”

After working at the casket company for a year, there was once when everyone was chatting during a break, and her boss asked her if she had decided to undergo gender reassignment surgery.

“I said I had thought about it, but I didn’t know whether I could do it with what I had saved, because of the risks due to age. Then Boss asked me how much I needed. I estimated about $20,000, and they offered to lend me money in the name of the company. The two owners of the casket company were brothers, really nice people – we still keep in touch even now.”

Fanny spoke earnestly: “Society still has a certain stereotype of trans people. What people don’t understand is – those transgender people in Changi or wherever – some of them are desperate. Many of them argue with their families, and are rendered homeless after being kicked out. With no work, and the need to save money for surgery, only then do they turn to being sex workers. If you think about it, a surgery costs at least ten to twenty thousand dollars – how do you save that much in a normal job? Even if someone hires you at a thousand or two thousand dollars a month, after you set aside the rent, how can you save? Maybe for some trans people, this is the fastest way to make money. As for me – I don’t have the looks, and I have a daughter, so I can’t fool around. If I fool around, it will affect my daughter’s future.”

Disclosing her identity to test employers’ openness

Fanny eventually left the casket company to open her own business repairing computers, until she began working as a technical assistant at a company. She said: “Actually, after my surgery in 2010, my IC status has changed to “F”, and if I don’t say anything, nobody will know I’m a trans person. When I apply for a job I don’t have any problems, but I still choose to share my identity. If they can accept it, I’ll work for them. After they thought about it, they still decided to hire me.

She had heard of other trans people being rejected by employers while job-seeking because of gender issues, and shared that she had similar experiences during her transitioning period.

At the time, those employers said they were willing to hire me, but they weren’t sure if other employees would mind. They were afraid that if they hired one of me, they would scare away three others. I didn’t push it. Many colleagues have told me that when they first met me they were a bit apprehensive, but after getting to know my character, we ended up getting along really well.

Going for it after taking mother’s advice

I asked Fanny if her elderly mother supported her decision to transition.

She said: “My mother had a large role in the success of my transition. At the beginning, I was just accepting hormone therapy. I remember the first time I went out in female dress was to Ang Mo Kio Central, haha. At the time I still didn’t dare to go to the ladies’, and I kept it in till I got home. My mom told me – if you want to change, then you better change all the way, if you don’t, then you might as well don’t change. I was afraid at first, but after hearing my mother’s words, I went for it.”

After I started dressing as a woman, my neighbors didn’t directly ask me, but instead went to my mother to ask – “ Why does your son look a bit different?” My mom just said, “She’s changing her gender.” The neighbors asked, “You ok ah?” in that kind of tone. My mom went right back at them – whether male or female, I was still her child, and it didn’t make any difference to her. From then onwards, the neighbors stopped asking. Whether trans people can successfully transition really depends on the role their parents play.

Beside her, Evelyn laughs: “Grandma loves to say this line: She didn’t steal or do bad things!”

Separation and reunion with her daughter

I thought that Fanny and Evelyn's relationship would grow even closer because of everything they had experienced, but I didn’t foresee that after Evelyn went to secondary school, their relationship began to decline, and Evelyn even ran away from home.

Fanny said, “It was her rebel stage, and with both of our headstrong personalities, neither us of would give in – that caused a lot of problems.”

Evelyn ran away from home for five years. During that time, Fanny had to apply for a child protection order for her daughter – Evelyn lived in a shelter, and even lived in her ex-boyfriend’s house for two years.

As a single mother seeing her only daughter run away from home, Fanny felt both angry and disappointed. She said, “I don’t know who I’m really angry at – at myself for not teaching her well, or at her for being recalcitrant?”

Evelyn interjected: “Me too – angry and disappointed. Actually, I quite sympathise with our counsellors. With my mother’s character, and my character, when we start arguing in front of them, I feel that they cannot tahan (deal with it).”

Around 2016, both of them serendipitously started to attend the same church. Things were beginning to take a turn for the better, but then rapidly deteriorated because of Evelyn’s ex-boyfriend and Fanny's husband from a second marriage.

In February 2018, Evelyn had broken up with her ex-boyfriend, and Fanny was processing her divorce – only then did the two decide to meet up for a chat.

Evelyn said: “That’s how we began to repair our relationship lor. After we reconciled, we found out, after all these years, we had matured, and began to better understand each other. From that time it began to be ok lor, returning back to the feeling of closeness when I was young.”

After Fanny’s ex-husband moved out, Evelyn moved back in, and the family was reunited. At the time, Fanny's mother had already passed away, but fortunately was able to see her daughter and granddaughter reconcile before she passed away. Did mother and daughter share a tearful embrace? Evelyn laughed, “No – my mom’s not the crying type. In fact she’s slightly awkward to be around. We very seldom say that we love each other, but we will express it through our actions. We also understand each other very well, so we notice every small action the other person does. Now that I’ve grown up, I’m now the one nagging her about no salty foods, no oily foods…”

I asked her if she could describe her mom in one phrase. Evelyn said, “Very stubborn, but super caring.”

Documentary filmmaker Quen Wong speaks out for transgender women

Quen Wong (44) has a dream – she wants to use documentaries to shatter the hackneyed stereotypes of trans women.

Over the span of 19 years, Quen has enjoyed a career as a trailer producer at Mediacorp Channel 5 and National Geographic Channel Asia, an executive producer at Discovery Networks Asia-Pacific, and later, a documentary senior producer at Channel NewsAsia. Some of her documentary work include “Undercover Asia: Treatment Or Torture" and “Power & Piety: Hellfire Nation”.

Quen has had to muster some degree of self-possession, even gutsiness, in her work. However, this confidence belies a painful vulnerability: living ‘in stealth’ meant that she was always in fear of being ‘outed’ as transgender. While many trans folk live out-and-proud, Quen attributes her reserve to a great sense of internalised shame.

Quen says, “I’m not ashamed of being transgender per se but I have been conditioned to feel that way. While growing up - at home, school, every conceivable social setting - people have shamed me for the way I behaved. There was little understanding of what it means to be trans, it was a common trope to accuse trans people of coming from bad homes, or that we were sex deviants. I’m nothing like that.”

Since undergoing a full transition, Quen’s never looked back, leading a cisnormative life for the past 20 years. She believes most people are either unaware of her being trans or have chosen to accept her without question. As a result, she’s been able to live life to the fullest, as well as find success in her career.

Then, a short film she had directed for Pink Dot in 2018 caught the attention of theatre and film director, Glen Goei, who offered her the chance to direct a feature documentary about trans women. Their pitch for this film went on to clinch the Tan Ean Kiam-Singapore International Film Festival Southeast Asian Documentary Grant.

As she began developing the documentary entitled, “Some Women”, Quen soon found the process to be an examination of herself. “It was a turning point. As a filmmaker, I felt guilty about asking my film subjects to hold themselves up for scrutiny in front of the camera, while I remained ‘in stealth’ behind it. In the end, I decided to turn the camera on myself and stand in solidarity with the trans women of my film.”

Coming out while waiting for National Service

Quen came out to her family shortly after graduating from junior college, just before she was to enlist for National Service.

“Up to that point in my life, I had always felt like I was playing a role, a role assigned by everyone else. Friends and relatives were always telling me, “You are a boy, you must man up! Or else, you will be bullied." For years, I tried to play that role but it was futile. I felt trapped, I could not focus on my studies, and it didn’t help that I had no one I could confide in concerning these feelings.”

Serendipitously at a book fair, Quen found a book about gender identity and gender reassignment surgery. It was an epiphany, and suddenly, she realised that she was not alone in her struggles. There was huge relief in knowing that a whole science was dedicated to the subject of gender dysphoria!

But when Quen spoke to her family members about her own dysphoria, her father would have none of it. In a recent conversation about that moment, Quen’s father could recall saying to her, “Over my dead body.” He explained that he had said that for her own good, fearing that her life would be very difficult if she was to go down that path.

In contrast, her mother had reacted by throwing her arms around her, reassuring Quen of her love, and her resolve that they would find a way together. Quen’s mother went on to empty her own savings account, and borrowed money to pay for an overseas education for her child.

“I was eager to start my life as a young woman but I didn’t believe I could do that in Singapore. I worried that transitioning here would attract attention to myself and my family, which was how I came up with this crazy idea of studying abroad. I craved a fresh, new start.”

Quen goes on to add, “It made all the difference that my mother was behind me, 100%. Because I didn’t do well at my A-levels, she paid for me to redo them, and with better grades this time around, I got accepted into Bristol University to read Theatre Studies, graduating with First-Class Honours. She was proud of me, and, by choosing to love and support me before anything else, I was living proof that she had made the right choice. I wish the families of other trans people could do the same: love and support your queer children.”

Transgender women are multi-faceted

One of Quen’s pet peeves is how the mainstream media tend to sensationalise the image of trans people. With “Some Women”, she hopes to challenge these tropes and stereotypes of the trans community.

“In Singapore, you’ll find trans women in all walks of life. Not all of us are sex workers, or have been run out of our homes, we don’t all meet tragic ends! In fact, there are professionals among us, some have gone on to start happy families and become wonderful parents. The stories of trans sex workers are important but I also want to throw the spotlight on the diversity of trans women’s lives.” ~Quen Wong

If there’s anything she would like the audience to take away with them, it is this message: chill out, being trans does not spell the end of existence as we know it!

“We’re not perfect, our lives are certainly not perfect. Yet, what we achieve in our lives can be aspirational or a source of strength to others. There are trans people who have been able to carve out some degree of success and happiness - their stories are important. We appear to have so few LGBTQ+ role models in Singapore society. What we need to do is call attention to these role models, that’s what I’d like to see.”

Compared to trans people in many parts of the world, one could argue that trans people in Singapore have it better. Still, the struggles of trans people are real. They can seek help from community groups such as TransgenderSG, Oogachaga and The T Project that provide trans-friendly resources and support.

Quen has recently become a volunteer befriender with a community-driven trans befriending support group (tiny.cc/transbefrienders) whose members offer a listening ear and advice to trans youths. And because trans women are women, and also benefit from gains achieved by the feminist movement, Quen has always identified as a feminist, and has volunteered at AWARE over the years to support their advocacy for women’s rights.

While once a staunch denier of Quen’s gender identity, Quen’s father has long become a proud parent who introduces her to his friends as, naturally, “my daughter’.

For our interview, nature-loving Quen chose to meet at Bollywood Veggies farm located in Lim Chu Kang. Quen tells me that the farm was a place she used to frequent with her mom, a fact she shares with a smile that belies deep sorrow.

Nancy, Quen’s mom, passed away in 2016 after succumbing to cancer. Her mother’s death dealt a crushing blow, and for a period of time, Quen languished in depression. Even today, Nancy still appears in Quen’s dreams. She says, “To me, my mother was the greatest feminist role model. I miss her very, very much but I also know she’s never too far away. We still talk.”

“Some Women” is slated to premiere at next year’s Singapore International Film Festival.

Internt sensation Nur Syuhaida inspires people with her personal story

"My dad told me that after you become a woman, you need to prove to others that you are better than them. Don’t be a rubbish woman. I made a mistake. But I remember what he said after coming out of rehab, and I have mended my ways. Everyone accepts me now. Oh, look at Che Ta. She has tattoos but we want to hear her story. She used to be a prostitute, and then she took drugs. But now, she’s a businesswomen and an online celebrity."

37-year-old Nur Syuhaida Nafisya Mohd Jin never shy away from her past. She is open to sharing her story to people, whether they are journalists, family, friends or fans.

Walked the streets to save money for gender reassignment surgery

On the day of the interview, we met up at her beauty and health products store. She brought the reporter up via the narrow stairs to an second-floor office which was still under renovation. She lit a cigarette as soon as she sat down. She was dressed in black, which created a sharp contrast to her baby pink and light blue nails. While smoking and drinking Coke, she recounted her life story to the reporter.

With a husky and resonant voice, Nur Syuhaida said, "I decided to transition to be woman when I was 15. It was not easy to become a woman. At 17, I started to save money for surgery by walking the street, and then I served National Service. I told my buddy in my unit that I was not a ‘normal' man. At that time, nobody understand what I meant and I got attacked in the end. It was a lot of pressure, but I took it lying down. Whatever work they asked me to do, I would complete it well. After finishing my military service, I went to Thailand for sex reassignment surgery. Top surgery, bottom surgery... I’ve done them all. I returned to my country legally as a women."

Nur Syuhaida had a hard time looking for a job due to her lack of educational qualifications and her tattoo-covered body, so she chose to continue to be a sex worker. The price she paid for her decision was the relationship with her family. 

"My mother would receive calls from her relatives and friends. She would then call me and ask where I was, saying that as someone had saw me. No mother would want to hear from others that her child is selling their body. You know, our greatest enemy is often our family. If I were still living with my family, she would see how I was dressed and know what time I went out of home. I don’t want to put pressure on my family, so I moved out of home. I told that my mother that if her relatives and friends were to call her again, tell them that we were no longer related. "

During her 16 years stint as a sex worker, Nur Syuhaida would either rent a room or live with her ex-boyfriend. Four years ago, she quarrelled with her ex-boyfriend. In rage, he hit her with a hammer, fracturing her ribs and injuring her hips, chest, arms and ankles. Her ex-boyfriend was sentenced to eight months in prison.

After breaking up with her boyfriend, she started doing live broadcasts on Facebook, chatting and sharing her life with her followers. Never would she expect to be an instant hit and her Facebook fans skyrocketed to 30,000 in a short time. As a result, she found business partners to establish a business selling beauty products. On the surface, she achieved stellar success with her stage name Che Ta Sg, and her number of fans gradually increased to 60,000. With continuous invites locally and from abroad, she also acted as a spokesperson for brands, and even had the opportunity to host shows with famous Malaysian artists.

However, beyond the spotlight, she has a problem not known to others - drug addiction.

Confidence shattered by her ex-boyfriend

When her ex-boyfriend attacked Nur Syuhaida, his violent kicks ruptured the silicone implant in her body and, at the same time, shattered her self-confidence. 

"I wasn’t able to accept my disfigured body. I had been suffering from gender dysphoria from birth until my gender reassignment surgery. It took me a lot effort to achieve this perfect body, but it was ruined by someone so suddenly. My body is the investment of my lifetime. I couldn’t accept that my body had been disfigured."

To make matters worse, Nur Syuhaida’s dearest father passed away shortly. In order to avoid her problems and cope with her increasing workload, she started taking drugs and lived a two-sided life. One day, she was arrested for drug abused and was sentenced to seven months in a drug rehabilitation centre. She was released in January last year.

Nur Syuhaida’s failed relationship and her determination to be clean from drugs made her a more mature person and changed her on outlook on life.

"I've been thinking, what should I do after I was released from drug rehab? I decided to continue with my business, showing everyone that drugs are not the answer to all problems. I also want to prove to everyone that women can succeed on their own terms without needing to depend on men."

She devoted herself to her beauty business again immediately after her release, and she developed more beauty products. Speaking of business, Nur Syuhaida said frankly, "I have been thinking about it for a long time. Should I do it? Sex work has become a part of my life. Do I want to change my life? It is not easy, but my partners convinced me to invest and develop my line of beauty products. The first products that we launched were foundations and moisturising sprays, which sold like hot cakes. My fans have been very supportive of me. Someone even pawned her gold jewellery to buy a liquid foundation that costed 40 dollars. Since then, we have reduced the price of all of our products. "

She developed six beauty products before her arrest, and has released six more since her release, which includes shampoo, soap, and moisturiser. As her business grew, she and her partners opened two physical stores in Haig Road and Bedok. In addition to selling her products, she also imported popular beauty products from Malaysia. Nur Syuhaida revealed that when she first started her business, her monthly income was only 300 to 500 dollars. Now, she earns a six figure income each month.

"Now I'm famous, my relatives who looked down on me or talked bad things about me started asking my mother, where’s your daughter? Then they come to my store and ask me to take photos with them, as if I am Fann Wong. Things aren’t not so bad after all. People should accept us as transgender people."

Learn to love yourself first

"Accept yourself" is also a life philosophy that Nur Syuhaida lives by.

"Women should accept themselves. If men are able accept us, that would be a bonus. But we should accept and love ourselves first. Tell yourself every morning, we are beautiful in our own ways.

She understands this principle completely. She was 59 kg when she was admitted to drug rehab, and she gained 29 kg after her release.

"88 kg. Even I was shocked by my weight gain. I had faced so much discrimination. Some fans told me bluntly that they don't like how I look and preferred me more when I was thin. But many people told me that it doesn't matter, and being chubby is great as well. I told myself, so be it. Since I’ve put on weight, I’ll show everyone that I’m not ashamed of my body. We don’t body shame ourselves. We love ourselves from head to toe.”

Waving her hands and behaving like a sassy diva, she said, "If you feel that your nails are not pretty, go for a manicure. If you’re not comfortable wearing sexy clothes, it’s okay. There are many plus size and beautiful skirts in shops. If you feel uncomfortable wearing high heels because you are overweight, it doesn’t matter. You can still wear wedge shoes or sneakers. As long as you are healthy, putting on weight is not a problem at all. Many fans feel encouraged after listening to my words and started thinking like me!"

Having experienced the ups and downs of life, Nur Syuhaida is occasionally invited to be an inspirational speaker, using her own experience to encourage others.

"I took drugs, I went to drug rehab, and I was abused by my ex-boyfriend. But these experiences taught me that I shall never be bullied anymore. I will tell the audience that if I can do it, you can do it too. Look at me, I used to win beauty pageant but I'm fat now. I'm not perfect at all, I have tattoos, I'm not beautiful. But why should all these matter? I'm fat and confident, and you should feel confident of yourselves too. Why let someone trample on your self-esteem.  We just need to love ourselves. I also use this opportunity to tell the audience not to look down on transgender people. We were born slightly 'disabled', but we will try to 'correct' ourselves and become 'normal’ people."

I asked Nur Syuhaida if she is worried about relapsing? She shook her head firmly and said no.

"I moved back to live with my mother when I was released from drug rehab. I am lucky that my mother finally accepted me of who I am, and is proud of me. I vowed to stay away from drugs and not to ruin this opportunity anymore. I saw a lot of older addicts when I was in rehab. Do I still want to in rehab at that age? No, I don’t. I wouldn’t want to go for rehab anymore. I am lucky to still be alive. I am lucky to start all over again. Moreover, I still remember what my dad said to me – don’t be a rubbish woman. I shall use my low and husky voice to speak out for all women."

Original version (in Chinese): https://www.zaobao.com.sg/zlifestyle/powerup/story20200308-1035207